Big Mama on the Hill

This post is from April 2002. Apologies to any RSS readers if this shows up in your feed readers here in present day 2023 - I am still tying up loose ends from moving my site from Wordpress to Squarespace, so some old content may show up for a wee while!

“So we had the Cross Country race the other day,” the Mothership began. “We’re out in the middle of a paddock and the stewed ants [Mothership speak for “students”] were limbering up to start. Leanne is organising everyone and getting people to be checkpoints along the course to ensure none of the kids run off into the wilderness. Then she hands me this walkie-talkie.

“What am I s’posed to do with this? I says to her. It's a walkie-talkie, says Leanne. I know it's a walkie-talkie, but why do I need it? You have to report back to me when the last kid has run past your checkpoint, she says.

“Well, okay, but I don't know how to use a walkie-talkie. It's easy, Leanne says, you press the button and talk, and when you arrive at your checkpoint, I'll send you a message to make sure it's working.

“So I toddle off to my checkpoint, and I am standing there waiting waiting waiting. The race starts and the kids dash off, so I sit down and enjoy the sunshine. All of a sudden the walkie-talkie is talking... Big Mama on the Hill! Big Mama on the Hill! ... I look at the walkie-talkie and wonder who this Big Mama person is but think nothing of it.

“And then... This is HQ. Come in, Big Mama on the Hill! Big Mama, can you read me?

“I was scratching my head, and couldn't figure out what the hell she was on about or who she was talking to and thought she must have a drinking problem.

“And there it goes again... Big Mama on the Hill! Hello! We are looking right at you, but you seem not to be responding! Come in, Big Mama!”

This is when my sister had to interrupt. “Mum, how many of you had walkie-talkies?”

“Three of us. Leanne and the lady at the other checkpoint down the track.”

“Didn't it occur to you that you were the only one standing on a hill?”

“Well...”

“And also the only one with a walkie-talkie on a hill that happened to be a little… roly-poly?”

“I guess my powers of deduction were a little off. Anyway, I finally figured it out, so I pressed the button on the walkie-talkie and said, Leanne, if I am supposed to be Big Mama on the hill, I am going to have to come down and discuss this Big Mama business with you. I demand a new code name!”