Beyond Dietgirl

This is an Instagram post that sprouted forth today – I wanted to share it here too.

Today, I posted an Instagram Story about finding my book in the Seattle Public Library. I was dorking out with joy. It came out in the US in 2009, so I never thought it would be there. Yet I posted a photo of the book with a flippant comment because I didn't feel I should celebrate.

I have a lot of muddled feelings about Dietgirl. On the one hand, it means the bloody world. Not just the childhood dream of writing a book but because of the conversations and connections I've made with people who kindly read it. Some have become great friends or beloved Instabuddies.

What I struggle with is contradictory. First, there are feelings of failure for not remaining the After photo, like that invalidates any value of the book entirely. I wrote about the After photo struggles on my blog for a while, then slinked away from the topic. I avoided people and places. There's been so much shame and fraudy feelings.

Then there is the part of me that has come to understand and accept that diets work for so few people. And the realisation that I bought into the myth for about 30 years. At times, I worry the book could be part of the problem.

Then there is the part of me that is so bloody done hiding and ready to make peace with it all. That is excited to finally be in the early stages of recovery from some very old disordered eating. That is happy in my skin and is getting better each day at eating, moving, and living with kindness. That is also proud of this little book and so bloody grateful to the people who read it and everyone who reached out.

So, to conclude the ramble fest, I'm chuffed the (well-thumbed!) book was in the library, but I’m pretty excited about the next chapter.